Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

You're a cryptid obsessed with human media about you. You've collected all the merch, watched the movies, played the games, read the books, and constantly browse your subreddit. It inspires you, feeling a role in humanity. One day, urban explorers stumble into your hideout and find your stuff.

You are an elder god. Your followers have just summoned you to the mortal realm... to celebrate your birthday.

You are the only person left who hasn't been assimilated into the hive mind. The only reason is because you're dating them.

"Well, they looked like kittens when I found them in a box on the side of the road. How was I supposed to know they'd grow up into eldritch horrors? What? No, they don't eat souls; that's ridiculous."

Divine inspiration happens when a god selects a human to create an artifact. However the god compelling you speaks a language you don't understand, letting their inspiration guide you only results in nonsensical, but otherwise mundane objects.

A succubus is summoned by an incredibly powerful and potent ritual, but rather than being given demands for sexual gratification, she's given pajamas and invited to the couch to watch a movie.

Go to Wikipedia, hit the random article button twice, and make porn out of the combination of those two things.

You’re a crooked hedge fund manager on Wall Street. It’s Friday after market close. GameStop is now the most valued company in the world. You beg WSB to pretty please, DEAR GOD, let you close out your catastrophic short position. They’ll allow it, on one condition: Anal. Live. Only on CNBC.

Ok, now this is why you only get immortality serums from accredited suppliers rather then trying to save money by getting them on the black market.

You're trying to explain to your insane god romantic partner that, no, you don't want world domination, you just want a domestic love life

You were a dildo “tester” at a dildo company that made very monstrous toys. So good we’re you at taking the tentacles, bulls, and giant spined dragon cocks, that they promoted you to test the actual monsters they base the dildos off of.

A galactic Empire invades a primitive world. The natives send a protest note, to the correct address and with all the necessary formalities...

Casual sex implies the existence of competitive ranked sex

Do you orgasm every time you hear a trigger word? Do your breasts grow every time you sneeze? Does anyone who looks you in the eyes get desperately horny and try to fuck you? If so, Cumunback's home for the sexually cursed is the place for you.

“Can I please pet that dog?” “That is not a dog! That is a Canisapian from the planet Anubis, a highly intelligent species.” “Then can I pet that kitty?” “No, again, that is not a kitty; that is a Felisapien from the planet Bastet, yet another highly intelligent species.”

"Well of course newly turned werewolves are aggressive! You need to socialise them!"

Greetings human! I- No! No, don't panic! Stop struggling! You can't. I'm your new symbiotic parasite, and- Oh, oh geez. This isn't going well. Uh... H-Here, Have some endorphins! ...AH! That's not supposed to happen!

The worst thing about dying is talking to HR the next morning.

A monster collects sex toys with no clue of their use.

“Yeah, a couple of guys back in my old fraternity were magical creatures. One thing I learned the hard way from my time there is to never get into a drinking contest with a dwarf, an elf, really, any other fae in general, a dragon, or a vampire. They will drink the entire frat under the table.”

The catgirls are way out of your price range, and mermaids at no fault of their own are expensive to maintain. What sort of monstergirls can a collage student on a tight budget afford afford?

"OK, who thought that taking an infinite amount of monkeys, giving them an infinite amount of typewriters, and leaving them to try to type out the complete works of Shakespeare was a good idea?"

Humans FUCK and their species has become infamous across the universe for being super sluts which is why you can't help but be a little confused when you meet one

"I don't care if you've transcended the limitations of humanity and become something akin to a god! It's still your turn to do the dishes!"

Your cult spent years worshipping an ancient horror without seeing any results, finally after moving to another one, your old idol sends you a message: "You up?"

Everybody in the kingdom knows Red Dragons breathe scorching flames, and Green Dragons spit a vile toxic acid. The lesser-known Pink Dragon spews a fast-acting, maddening aphrodisiac.

A smart young college girl joins a STEM sorority comprised of similarly nerdy, academically-minded girls. To her surprise, this sorority has used their combined talents to discover the optimum mathematically proven strategy in the blowjobs-for-grades exchange model.

You're a writer. Or you were, yesterday. The publishers agreed it wasn't worth the time. After you tried self-publishing, you're inclined to agree. But a fuming physicist appears in a flash. She threatens to kick your teeth in if she returns to the future and her favorite series isn't complete.

You've made a pact with a demon(ess) for immortality. What do they want in return? Your soul, your firstborn? No, they want to hold hands in public every now and then

Her witch BFF thought it would be a fun prank to give guys fleshlights modeled after her friend's vagina. Especially fun considering they were mystically linked to it...