Dark Humor Writing Prompts

You go to hell, only to find out that hell has been overturned by humans. Turns out gathering billions of the most wicked of human, among them are several ruthless but brilliant rulers, commanders, and dictators, whom can no longer die, isn't such a good idea after all.

After being killed in a Black Friday stampede, you’re sent to hell. The devil offers to let you be in charge of torturing your fellow mankind, expecting you to refuse like all the others. Except the devil doesn’t realize you’ve worked retail for 15yrs.

Harry, Ron and Hermione aren't actually wizards or in the wizarding world. They are high on drugs and hallucinating throughout their journeys. The cops are Dementors and Dumbledore is a crazy old homeless man.

The Anti-Christ came and went, but no one noticed because he wasn't worse than the current state of the world already is. The rapture followed, but no one went to Heaven, so we didn't notice that either. We've been living in Hell for the last 5 years, and no one has noticed, yet.

Aliens have arrived and have been eating humans like a delicacy. An alien chef gets more than he bargained for when he tries to cook Gordon Ramsay, who surprisingly is less disgusted THAT he is being cooked than over HOW he is being cooked.

You are a multi-billionaire with a lovely wife, who is trying to kill you to inherit your fortune. You love her so much that you just don't have the heart to tell her you are immortal.

Scandinavians still believe the only way to get to Valhalla is to die in battle. For that reason, every hospital employs a Battle Nurse.

You are kidnapped by a cult to be used as sacrifice. As you are are lying tied underneath the altar you hear one of the cultists say “Ho dark lord we present to you this person as an offering”. With nothing left to lose you yell “Ho dark lord I present to you this cultists as an offerings!”

You’re a necromancer that has been run out of every town you’ve ever settled in for being who you are. You wipe tears out of your eyes as you dig a deep hole, finding solace in your work. Your shovel bangs against bones and you stop, tears suddenly forgotten. Dinosaur bones. Now they’ll pay.

As a modern-day necromancer, you offer a service where you will kill people for a little while, then bring them back in order to get out from under crushing debt. The banks aren't happy about this, so they've hired a paladin.

Bob Ross was actually a serial killer that painted where he buried his victims. His paintings are becoming suspicious and the body count is rising.

"Marines dont die, they just go to hell and regroup", they've regrouped and now they're ready to take over hell.

On your deathbed you confide to your nurse the fact that you were a serial killer who got away with your crimes. "Me too," She replies wryly.

You die and find yourself in hell, where apparently everyone spends time to negate their sins before they go to heaven. The guy in front of you, who cheated on his wife, gets 145 years. Feeling like you led a fairly average and peaceful life, you’re not worried. You get 186,292 years.

You die and appear before the Devil and seven other individuals. They applaud you and the Devil exclaims, “finally, an eighth deadly sin!”

You are a murderer. You can't help but notice that you keep killing this one guy over and over and over again. Unbeknownst to you, they're an immortal, constantly checking if they can die yet by deliberately making themselves a target.

After a treasure hunt with your friends, you make it to the treasure. But instead of the wealth you were told about, it was a note congratulating you on your journey and that the real treasure was the friends you made on the way. Only problem is that all your friends died getting you this far.

"No! No! You don't understand! They're not real, they were never real!" As your being dragged to hell for the massive amount of murder you have wrought upon living beings, you desperately try to explain to Saint Peter what video games are.

Job hunts are literally that: You seek out the job you desire and kill the one who has it, or even engage them in ritual combat to claim the job as your own. You have just turned of age and desire your first minimum wage job.

"We don't make mistakes around here, Agent." Bob Ross says with a smile, as he hands you the gun. "Just happy little accidents."

As a young writer who survived a horrific accident, you swore you wouldn't die before you at least finished your first novel. Now, a thousand years later, you're still cursing your case of writer's block.

"No person shall be executed without their last meal made to their liking." The prisoners know this and make insane requests. You, as the chef for death row, somehow procure the otherworldly ingredients for their meals.

"Listen, you're fine, I'm- stop screaming- I'm not going to hurt you. Yes, opening the Dark Book summons The One Who Ends, but that whole thing where I kill the reader is hogwash. Now, would you kindly direct me to the one who tricked you into opening my book? *Intent* is important, after all."

"I'm the one being punished," the devil sighed, "God loves ALL humans and none can be harmed. But He can't have all the entitled, self-righteous assholes ruining Heaven so he sends them down to me. They assume they're in Heaven, cause they believe that's what they deserve. It's exhausting".

When the castle is stormed by enemy troops, the king escapes alone, leaving the princess behind to her fate. Later, as the king is resting at an inn, his royal jester walks in covered in blood and holding the princess in his arms. "Dick move, your majesty," he says. "Dick fucking move."

You and your other co-workers have known for a while that something is impersonating your boss. But no one has bothered to say anything because under its leadership the workplace has become an enjoyable place. Today you’re training a new employee when they see the boss eating a delivery driver.

A secret cabal of vampires is actually trying to fix the world's problems. Not because they're good people, but because modern Humans are so stressed and unhealthy and filled with pollutants that it makes their blood horrible to drink.

The Purge Day is coming, where all crimes are legal for only 24 hours, I'll finally install that extension to my loft without ANY planning permission

Out of breath, completely exhausted, and wounded, you finally give up. The murderous doll stood over you, ready to deliver the final blow, and all you could do was ask, "Why does this shit always happen to me?". The doll pauses, "Wait.. what?".

“Violence is never the answer,” the monk says, pumping a shotgun. “But you don’t always have to be right.”