Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

Dear Reddit, my therapist says that I am an NPC and she will call tech support. What does it mean?

Your usual angel and demon called in sick today. Instead, you'll have a nun and succubus on your shoulders.

Most people had no idea that the library was haunted by a horny poltergeist. Probably because its attention was usually focused on the librarians.

"I am a demon of mayhem and destruction, not your personal pillow. ...I do not recall ordering you to stop."

The chance of being rescued by aliens before your ship's air ran out? Unlikely. The chance of them being sexually compatible with you? More unlikely. The chance that it is actually a college-space bus full of newly-single sorority aliens looking for revenge fucks? No way!

Your parents got infected and became zombies in the apocalypse. They still have enough brain function to take care of you, though.

Turns out, heaven is places anyone can go to at any time, it just costs a soul to get into, or OUT of. And that’s why demons are so keen on collecting souls. For a family vacation.

A detective is investigating a murder, but the "clues" are actually random, nonsensical objects left by a spirit/ghost who enjoys messing with mortals. The detective, however, takes them incredibly seriously.

Marriage proposals are very different based on different species, and some are simple activities that humans do daily. You are married to 17 different creatures of 12 different races, and you don't even remember half of them.

You are a survivor of the first ship with a functional (failed) Alcubierre drive. Your ship crash landed back on Earth but every motive, product, ads, billboards, dish, that you can see is Marmite. You realise that the Cult of Marmite has taken over the World. Now no food doesn't have marmite.

"You cant eat that bandit! Thats cannibalism!" a flustered cleric says "Dude, we're not even the same species"

“Bob what’s got you all riled up?” “Damn aliens again frank, won’t stop messing with mah corn.”

You are a doctor working in a urgent care. You have seen your fair share of things. This however, a magical girl stuck mid- transformation, takes the cake.

You'd been stuck there for hours, and you'd seen countless blue and yellow uniforms hit the floor. All you wanted to do was pick up a flœŕkënblorgen and go home, but this IKEA sales staff were committed to showing you just how much you could enjoy products in every department.

When you rubbed the lamp, not only were you surprised that a genie popped out, you were shocked that she was a beautiful big-breasted ditzy bimbo

In an effort the combat the orgasm gap, and ensure that the young women on campus are cumming at least as much as the young men, Exstatic State University has implemented a new program at the end of freshmen orientation. A team of sex therapists and older students teach the freshmen boys how to

The goddess of fertility used to punish sinners by sitting on them with her fat juicy ass. She can’t seem to understand why this in the 21st century seem to want her punishment!?

After years of no luck, you finally got yourself a girlfriend! Your sleep paralysis demon isn't happy about that.

What arr you trying to say? That you *don't* want to participate in the government-mandated "dommy muscle mommy" program? What are you, some kind of fool?

No one knew this new brand of "one size fits all" sports bra would cause the wearer to slowly grow to continuously bustier while wearing it. Yes this based on the sports bra meme going around.

You work at a pet shop that, unbeknownst to the general public, caters almost exclusively to various supernatural entities. Today, Lucifer Morningstar himself walks in the door, requesting an emotional support animal for his depressed son, the Antichrist.

You just learned why the chicken crossed the road. All those years ago, on that fateful day...

You are a new necromancer in Chicago who just escaped the Inquisition due to a new union law letting you use the undead for free labor.

“Ain’t no f-ing way.” Conquest said. “There’s no way you’re the new horsemen of war.” She repeated to the preppy pastel Femboy stood in front of her Death and Famine.

Competitive sex becomes a discipline for Summer Olympics.

Honey, your father and I are worried. You dress like a nun, haven't been on a date in months and you don't even masturbate much. That's why we're sending you to Slut Camp.

"Not again..." she moaned as she jumped up and down in another set of too small tights, before adding them to the growing-by-the-hour pile of bras, panties, tops and bottoms that was going to goodwill. "...I'm not even thirty, how can I possibly have caught the MILF Flu?"

An eldritch abomination decides to check out humanity in the form of a peppy theatre kid girl. The theatre crew start to suspect something's not quite right with her.

As human knowledge advanced we developed many different technologies capable of wiping humanity out. When the different apocalypses started all at once we were certain that it would be our end, but they all ended up cancelling each other out.

On the day that they died, your best friend told you that they had some juicy office gossip to share with you. So you do what any sane person would do -- you fight your way into the afterlife to find them and smack talk your co-workers.