Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

"This is insane, I'm not paying this. And what is your name!?", the Faye screams at you, tearing up the forms. You pull out a second copy and hand them over. "No one escapes the IRS, not even residents of the Fayewild. Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way.", you say to them.

There is a company run by an ethereal cosmic horror entity that likes to torment it’s mortal employees by asking impossible tasks of them. However, there is one employee that somehow completes every task.

Suddenly, all humans become the last creature or plant they ate. The majority of humans are now sentient lettuce heads or beans, or anthropomorphic chickens and cows. But what concerns everyone most are the people who are still human...

"Before I ask why you were doing 675 million in a 40, I'd first like to ask how in the world that's even possible."

There is a 50/50 chance that leaving the Arch Mage and Head Scientist alone in a room together will result in either a marriage proposal or a doomsday device. More likely both.

You are a divorce lawyer, the best in your field. You have just received word that you will representing the Greek goddess Hera in her divorce from Zeus.

Several years ago, you thought your girlfriend was joking when she told you she was actually an Elder Goddess, the Mother of Abominations. Now you are a proud stepparent to her vast brood of unspeakable offspring.

"It doesn't matter how much of a 'neuroscientific breakthrough' it is. Using arbitrary code execution to re-code a patient's brain into Pong is definitely malpractice!"

"Why have you created cat girls when we asked you for supersoldiers?" "General, those cat girls are your supersoldiers."

When humanity could not find sapient life on other planets for the longest time, they uplifted several Earth animals. Then an alien empire attacked them. Now the descendants of the Emu War are fighting alongside each other.

When you are born, your parents gave you a very unique name. This has caused you many annoyances over the years, but you feel that the demon that keeps getting summoned every time the teacher calls on you has it worse.

It was once common knowledge that any sufficiently labyrinthine structure will eventually manifest a Minotaur at its heart. Today, your local IKEA opened its newest extension.

The Devil on your shoulder stammers as the Angel loads their shotgun.

Bartender "listen, you can't just walk in here with a real sword. Give me one good reason to carry something like that around in this day and age." "Mimics!". I laughed, the bartender laughed, the table laughed.

You became the president of the United States for one reason and one reason only: you wanted to play a game of Dungeons and Dragons with the members of the Cabinet.

"Oh for fucks sake, you too? Right, ok, cards on the table. Is anyone here ACTUALLY a human being and not an inhuman creature infiltrating the human race?"

You are the first person to become a vampire in 10,000 years. Your master and his entire clan are shocked when they learn you can walk in sunlight without burning. "Sunscreen, you simpeltons." Was your response when they asked how.

You're perfectly safe in your survival bunker, with plenty of food and water. You even have plumbing. The only problem is that you're entirely alone, with a zombie right outside. Out of sheer boredom, you decide to teach it to speak, which has led into it trying to convince you to let it in.

When I was offered the power to make metal objects attracted to me, I was expecting magnet powers. I was not expecting my toaster to start making advances.

"You're off the force! Turn in your gun and your badge!" Our hero places his badge on the chief's desk, as well as a nightmarish weapon, cruelty and agony given physical form. The chief scratches his head. "What's this and where's your gun?"

You are a worker at a business named 'Sincorperation'. Recently you've been promoted into one of the 7 deadly sins at the top. It's your first meeting with the other six. Wait... Why is everyone nervous..?

In the afterlife, people will be measured by how good or evil they are in their lifetime. You scored a perfect zero, without a single decimal points. According to the regulations, it's illegal to send you to heaven or hell so nobody knows what to do now.

“Look at that thing. It’s scrawny, it only has two arms, and it can’t fly. It’s useless! Why do you insist on having a human on your ship?” “Well, it’s pretty simple: they breathe oxygen!”

The God of Knowledge has reincarnated, the scholars are celebrating. Problem is the small god floods those around it with an uncontrollable surge of eldritch knowledge that none amongst the scholars can withstand. You are the least-curious man in the world, and you've been called to babysit.

"...and for my Third wish, I wish that there was no such thing as Math." The genie nodded, "Wish granted, Master!" I subtly asked, "how many more wishes do i have?" Perplexed, the genie replied, "I don't know anymore..."

All wizards use wands to cast their spells. As a wand maniac, you've stuffed your wand with all kinds of upgrades and now it's the size of a pillar.

Ben could craft statues so lifelike that many were mistaken as living beings. Normally this wouldn’t matter but for the past week the Demon king has been in a staring contest with a toad statue. The prize the others soul.

An Eldritch horror hires a group of adventurers to destroy every cult that tried to summon it.

Standing at the altar, with tears in your eyes you say “I do.” The cultists and the thing they summoned are visibly confused

You are a monster hunter, but unlike your colleagues you do not hunt them for glory, revenge or trophies. You hunt them because you made it your personal mission to eat at least one of every monster. Today you attempt your most anticipated kill.