Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

"Wait," The dragon said, "Raise your hand if you're an adult." The party of knights before it stayed still. The dragon sighed. "Turn around and go back home. Tell your king not to pull this crap again."

Aliens arrive at Earth, and inform us that our solar system must regretfully be processed into rocks to throw at the invasion of the Outer Gods that has been ongoing for billions of years. “Well, why don’t you let us take a crack at it for a hundred years or so? What’ve you got to lose?”

Your parents listed Hades as your godfather as a joke, That would not be an issue if it were not for the 3-headed puppy delivered to your doorstep by Persephone and Hades themselves, planning to protect you from the Olympian's shenanigans due to Zeus' bulldickery

You are an alien assassin tasked with killing the human ambassador. Only to find out all your poisons like caffeine, chocolate, capsaicin, tabacco mint etc. Don't work

"No, no. Trust me; it works. Humans love to take care of pregnant and baby things. I've even seen them adopt things they eat!" "What about things that eat them?" "Oh, humans like those best of all! So just go up and act weak, they'll take care of the rest."

“Alexa, cancel the timer,” you say. “You have two timers: a nine-minute pasta timer with two minutes left, and a 4.5-billion year Earth timer with three months left. Which did you want to cancel?” You don’t remember setting the second one.

"A warning: Humans, from the planet known to them as Earth, will adopt anything they deem childlike and will go to extreme lengths to protect that adopted creature and spoil it to eternity." The high representative's letter addressed to the galaxy read as some previous incidents became clear.

"I'm two halves dragon." "But that's just...a dragon." "YOU'D THINK SO, WOULDN'T YOU?"

There is a forbidden type of magic out there. It isn’t forbidden because it’s inherently evil, or forces you to lose your humanity, or requires human sacrifices - it’s just forbidden because it’s annoying as heck to fight against.

You are the villain of an anime. Not because you’re evil, or extremely annoying, but because you wouldn’t let a 6’8 12 year old boy with a voice deeper than the ocean and that looks to be 30 with battle scars, into your school.

"What do you mean the humans REJECTED our declaration of war?! That's not how that works!"

"You left your excess carbon in a wet environment and let it bake by a star? Come on man... you know that's how you get humans! Do you want humans? They're probably already inventing Reality TV at this point. Go take care of it."

"Honey, you know we dont have a child right?" "Yes i know, but the demon is behaving and has good grades, might as well play along"

Your workers always ask “Why do you put a self destruct button on your inventions?” Tired of their questioning, you decide to explain why it’s perfectly rational.

Apparently human blood has about the same amount of protein as the average protein shake. You just met Dracula at the local gym and he. is. absolutely. ripped.

The lawyer paces the courtroom. "Look at my client," He says. "He became an unaging immortal at the age of 12. He graduated college long before any of us were born! He has a 20 greats grandnephew! Why do child labor laws prohibiting 12 year olds from getting jobs still apply to him?!"

The dragon doesn’t kidnap villagers because he’s going to eat them. He’s just got really bad social anxiety and doesn’t know any other ways of making friends.

It's not uncommon for wizards to give their children unnecessarily complicated and strange names. Why? The more ridiculous the baby's name, the more magically gifted it will be.

You are a snail who has one goal, to hunt down an immortal who was given $1 million, ending their life with a touch. It has been 125 years. You have no idea where your target is or how to reach them.

Your superpower is "epic fail". Whatever you attempt to accomplish, it always fails in the most spectacular manner possible. You thought it was a curse, until you finally realized how to control it, and now, no one can stop you.

Due to a glitch in the system, whenever you lift a heavy object you gain 1 point in Intelligence instead of Strength. Reading a book, however, gives you 1 point in Intelligence as well.

“you do realize you’re just a trophy husband right?” “I’m married to a deity why the hell do you care?” You responded.

It turns out hell isn’t just for humans.. it’s for all species across the galaxy. Fortunately for you, it seems they have no idea how humans work, or what they find painful.

First contact is established with an intelligent alien species. Oddly, they find humans adorable, and compulsively want to pet them. This wouldn't normally be a deal breaker per-se- they're a gentle and sensitive species... its just that they happen to be giant 12 legged spider creatures.

The villain teleports behind the hero. "Nothing personal, kiddo". The hero also knows flash step and teleports behind the villain. The villain teleports behind the hero again. The hero does the same...things escalate.

You just learned that the eldritch monstrosity haunting your dream has in fact "just" mistaken you for its young, and is trying to parent you in its own inscrutable ways.

The first thing aliens translated were the works of H. P. Lovecraft. Now all the aliens are freaking out.

Feeling adventurous, you decided to try crossbreeding two specific vegetables to see what would happen. Now, sitting in an interrogation room at an undisclosed location staring at very concerned men in black, you are about to learn why it's never been done before.

"Our enemy is too strong to face head on. We'll have to use gorilla warfare." "Sir, do you mean guerrilla warfare?" "No."

Everyone thought when Gaia made herself known to the world with the intention of suing every corporation which had polluted in the past century that the corporations would easily win. They after all had the best lawyers on Earth. Gaia alternatively had brought her most litigious Fae...