Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

Unbeknownst to you and everyone else you are the literal child of Satan. However, as someone who has lived a good life till you died in an accident heaven has a claim unto your soul. Custody issues ensue

"You were the most evil and destructive immortal..." "and I already atoned for a millennia...can you please adopt me?"

You suspect your new partner might not be what they claimed to be. Yesterday you asked them to change the lightbulb and they said "Sure, into what?" You want the truth but not a confrontation.

The apocalypse has come and gone. In the wake of society collapsing, two factions have formed. Those who found shelter in a place called Waffle House, and those who sheltered in another location, Starbucks.

You always suspected your boyfriend was secretly a werewolf, and were excited to learn he planned to show you on a full moon one night. Despite his warning of danger, you stayed to watch. While you expected anything, the last thing you expected was he turned into a white pomeranian.

"Yo, dudes! The hivemind is pretty chill! Maybe you can like join it or something."

You've just been served a restraining order from Death

All dogs go to heaven, which makes sense. Werewolves also go to heaven, which is making less sense.

The year is 2050 and some weed strains have grown strong enough to unlock superpowers within people for the extent of the high. After finding 4 vapes, you and your 3 best friends are trying to "Obtain" more of this government-controlled weed.

You try to bake your first pie and inadvertently create a portal to the underworld

Video game characters are a bit like high-class pets - if they're not played in a while, they start to become depressed, or at least a bit loony. Some take it in stride.

So it turns out, human cum is extremely addictive to aliens, this comes to point when your alien crew mates find out you’re human.

You were always far more lethargic than your fellow succubi. Instead of appearing in people's dreams you just set up a free-use box for any passerby

Say dwarves are real attracted to facial hair, like in many fandoms that contain dwarves. Now say Cousin It rocks up to a dwarf community.

Two cultists are secretly using one another to try to summon their respective elder god. Unbeknownst to both of them, their elder gods are in cohoots to get them laid

In the third month of pregnancy your contractions suddenly start and out comes an egg. Your husband feels guilty for not telling you earlier that he's actually a dragon in disguise.

In a world where orgasms are contagious, public masturbation is a common prank

You stand near the ocean to summon Cthulhu, but the odd smell of chicken fills in the air. There Cthulhu was... baked and broiled and fried... but still alive. What in the world happened to him...?!

So I accidently drank water from the fountain of youth contained in a vial, have returned to the size and appearance of a child and am now either immortal or simply have a very long life span; and because of elvish Iaw now have to adopted by an elvish family because I'm to young to live alone.

"Are you sure these are real human names?" "Yeah, we'll be fine, don't worry."... "Jimothy, Billiam, Jimantha, and Steve." the Human refugee organizational officer called them in as a group.

"Hot MILFs are in your area. They are closing in at an alarming speed. Shelter in place immediately and await further instructions."

"What are the odds of you winning the superpower lottery and having the powers to warp reality?" "Very low. Probably zero." "Right, but wouldn't it be cool to be friends with a horny reality warper?"

"Hi, I was told to meet here to apply for a job. Is this the secret organization that contains and studies cosmic horrors?" "No, that's the next city over. This place deals with cosmic eroticism."

“Sir! The squirrel has a knife! I repeat, the squirrel has a… scratch that. The squirrel has a shotgun. The squirrel… it has acquired a rocket launcher… you’re not going to believe this, but it has stolen a tank Sir!”

The Hero keeps accepting all the various faustian bargains without even considering the downsides for a heartbeat.

There’s a rumor going around that your dick can bring good luck. It’s gotten out of hand very quickly.

You are adbucted and probed by the most incompetent and clueless aliens imaginable. Their probing machine is a rickety, malfinctioning piece of shit that buzzes and shakes and makes a bunch of damn noise when you turn it on.

And the Goddess looked upon what her creations had done and said "Okay, what the fuck, people?"

You, a human, made a bet with a fae to beat them at a game of their choosing. The fae is trying their best to explain the rules to you, but non of it makes any sense

“You don’t understand, it was fight or flight and chickens are flightless birds”