Dark Humor Writing Prompts

They were about to cancel the ritual due to needing "a nubile maiden for a month of unlimited access." Then she piped up: "Guys! I'm a girl. Use me!"

The gods demand the sacrifice of a virgin woman once a month. You find this to be a barbaric practice and seek to overturn the god's demands. You chose to do this not with a holy revolution, but by making sure there are no more virgins left to sacrifice.

When Lily lost a bet, her punishment was having to spend 2 hours working the neighboring frat house's guest bathroom gloryhole. Unfortunately, she couldn't have picked a worse time to serve her sentence as December 1 marked the end of No Nut November.

In an effort to both improve customer satisfaction and employee morale, a call centre has installed Sybians (male equivalent where applicable) instead of normal chairs. During a call, customers can press 0-9 to set the intensity.

“Hey mom can you pass the butter?” His girlfriend wearing a “he calls me mommy too” shirt. His older sister wearing a “big sis, bigger tits” shirt. And his giant tittied mom simply wearing a shirt that says “mommy” all reach for it at once, and all glare at each other.

When your mom, aunt and sister eat something they like, they say "my oh my that was yummy". Last night you went to a glory hole and you came in the recipient's mouth. As you were walking away, you heard a familiar voice say "my oh my that was yummy".

"Sorry, but we're not independent contractors anymore. If you want to hire a hitman, you've got to go through the union."

A person hires a psychic to communicate with the dead. However, it is revealed he is just excited he has terminal cancer and wanted to inform his dead ex wife he is joining her soon and to get ready. His ex wife is less then amused at this news.

"Okay I agree that the subject of ethics might be little more than a suggestion, that the chance of death by some monstrous experiment gone wrong is likely, and that most coworkers are nutjobs and weirdos, but the budget is unlimited, we get dental, a 401k, and a full month of vacation. So..."

The serial killer thought the Halloween party was an easy target. They miscalculated how harsh costume criticism was for high schoolers.

You grin from ear to ear. At long last, you have taken your revenge and destroyed the world! All of humanity now lies in ash and ruins!! But just then, the realisation dawned on you that you'd never actually thought this far ahead.

"For my last wish, I wish this was a world of Free Use!" he exclaimed. The genie, sick of this guy's shitty wishes, snapped their fingers. Suddenly, every male in the world was now naked and ripe for usage...

Your grandmother is a psychotic Empress and a bloody conqueror who kills for fun, but she also bakes you cookies and sings you bedtime stories, so she's not all bad, right?

"Hi, my name is Amy, and I'm a spermaholic. I was hoping to come to this meeting and say I hadn't sucked dick in two months, but this morning..."

The naughty and nice lists still exist for adults the punishments and rewards just get more "creative."

You are a highly successful EMT. Never had a patient die in the wagon. You just discovered that it’s not skill… it’s necromancy.

Well, it seems you've bested me. You're gonna take over the world anyway, wanna have a quickie before you finish your mad quest for power?

"Just a heads up, if the boss ever hears you say the phrase "what's the worse that can happen", he will shoot you."

Alright, output has been slipping so you will all be assigned these maid uniforms. If you hear whispers in French telling you to be a good little slut that's normal

“Zach, no…” “Oh come on you knew that he’d die first.”

The whole world watched in a stunned awe as Jesus Christ returned to Earth. How the light shone around him as he touched down, how he slipped, how he smashed his head on the curb, and how he just laid there barely moving

Three-year-old Mikaela was transported directly to Hell by the Christmas demon Krampus for not cleaning her room. Her mother, who was a serial killer, made a confession and got into Heaven. Now Mikaela plans to sue the universe's divine beings, and we all know which side has the good lawyers.

Write the most vulgar and explicit thing you can. Do not hold back.

"Would you mind pulling over and let me suck your cock? I need to post a video. I promise it will be at most 5 mins." Can you get your Uber driver to agree?

Gleefully, you load a shotgun as you walk to the villain’s base. “I’ve been waiting forever to do this!” You say as you play “New Noise” on your phone.

"How the hell did you manage to get drinking blood as a tax write off?"

Using our Tomboy Friend as payment for Pizza - "Lets save money and have her just blow the guy!" Was supposed to be a joke. But when the doorbell rang and you drunkenly started to pull your shirt over you head. We didn't know whether to stop you or cheer you on.

Everyone knows Cartoon Characters can survive basically anything, not even old age can kill them. A Cartoon Character finds this out the hard way when their human friend dies from old age.

"...She's your mother, by the way. Just know that she will sooner send a cruise missile to your house than admit she cares about you."

As a newly licensed dentist, you knew that getting soft palate bruises from sucking dick wasn't just a myth, but you never expected to see something quite this pronounced in a patient. Surely you should say something about it, right?