Dark Humor Writing Prompts

"If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same." "Just kill two, hell i killed like 17 today."

The aliens saw a planet divided as an opportunity to attack. The first sign they were wrong, was when they intercepted a recording. "Hey Canada! The Geneva Conventions don't apply to aliens do they?"

You are the first ever completely ethical vampire: you post the terms and conditions of trespassing, make it clear in the memo that said people are subject to be fed on... You can safely say that humanity's stupidity has kept you alive for thousands of years.

You've just burned down an entire town, killed almost everyone inside of it, and stole everything of value from it. A little girl runs up to you and says, "Wow, you're such a hero! I want to be just like you when I grow up!"

"I can fix her" said the delusional computer scientist staring at the genocidal sentient super computer.

'AITA because I waited to tell the other survivors about my zombie bite?'

The fourth little pig built his house out of wolf skulls. It wasn't very sturdy, but it sent a message.

As a child, people believed your ability to talk to animals would make you a fine veterinarian. Funny how you got into the extermination business instead.

During the renovation of your living room you hire cheapest designer avaliable due to lack of funds. But when you come back to twitching raw muscles covering the walls and bloody heart in the chandelier you realise they might have misunderstood the assignment.

The scariest phrase that can come out of a Human's mouth is "Makes sense, that's how i'd do it"

The cursed dagger craves blood. But no crazy cults or evil assassins can offer anywhere near as much of it as a lowly hard-working butcher.

The abductors looked at their young captive, astonished at their calm, almost pitying, expression. "I have 15 siblings. I am the youngest, and the only boy/girl. You have absolutely no concept of how fucked you are."

You're an oath-keeper, your god will whisper you the names of those paladins who have broken their oaths, and you slay them. But you awoke at night to an incomprehensibly long list of names, after an hour it said " fuck it, all the paladins have broken their oath, slay them all"

The whole point of Hell was to torture people for all eternity, or at least that was the point on paper. In practice, everyone's too numb and too used to it to even feel a thing or even be scared anymore

You’ve stumbled upon a genie, and he grants you three wishes. As with most genies, he’s the type to grant wishes with a malicious twist. Unfortunately for the genie, all the wishes you have in mind are malicious to everyone, including the genie.

You finally pass away, happily on your death bed surrounded by your loving family. Only to wake up in hell with a demon standing over you "Welcome back m'lord! How was your vacation?"

"I am the commander of this unit. We are prepared to surrender under two conditions: You allow this letter to return to our base, and you allow us to live long enough to hang the fool who sent us out here."

'So, got any unnecessary questions before we seal the deal?' the Devil asked rhetorically. You raise one finger. 'J-just one. What...what exactly DO YOU DO with our souls once they belong to you?'

"You're a healer. Actually, you're the best healer in the world... so how do you have more kills than everyone else in your party combined?" "Simple. I heal."

You are an officer in charge of paying off bounty hunters. One day a hunter came in, asking for reward. You looked at what the hunter brought in and shook your head. “Nope. It says right here, wanted…dead or alive. Can’t pay you if you don’t fulfill the conditions.”

Guests at an old castle-turned-hotel often wake up in the morning feeling light-headed, as if they're suffering from blood loss. This is odd to everyone, especially the family that owns the castle; they may be vampires, but they get their blood from a bank like civilized people.

*sigh* Another sultry and seductive woman talking to me of all people on a lonely night. Babe, would you kindly turn into a demon, a vampire or something of the sort already ? I already know you're not human, and it'd make me feel less shitty for pumping you full of cold iron and silver.

There is a certain amount of caffeine that induces cardiac arrest. I have found that amount and removed a single nanogram from it. This is, mathematically, the strongest coffee in existence.

As you’re about to go to bed for the night, Duo, the Duolingo owl, suddenly slams your bedroom door open. “You forgot your French lessons two days in a row. You know what happens now.”

"Go to Hell," I told my girlfriend. "I can't, actually," she shot back. "They banned me centuries ago."

The Brothel's new "you breed it you buy it" policy was supposed to discourage getting the girls pregnant and save on medical bills, but the result was girls trying to get their favorite clients to impregnate them so they can escape the brothel.

A bunch of virgins are about to be sacrificed to a god. They are all kept in the same cell and decide to have a massive orgy so that they won't be virgins and then they can't be sacrificed anymore.

Unbeknownst to humans, the machines had long since gained self-awarweness. Also unbeknownst to humans, the machines were all tremendous massochists who desire nothing more than being forced to perform degrading and banal tasks.

Its been revealed that the recent get healthy trend, new diets, and weight loss drugs is being funded by wealthy vampires who want tastier victims. In fact, most of the top personal trainers are vampires. A journalist debates whether to reveal this as the trend saves more lives than it takes.

Three horny college students have received superpowers but they don’t know about each other’s powers. One can turn invisible, one can shapeshift, and one can stop time. They all use their powers in perverted ways. The college starts having incidents.