Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

Your family line suffers from a pirate curse: A demonic shark will manifest itself in nearby sources of water and harrow you and your ancestors. You live three-hundred miles from any body of water and this has made the shark get...creative.

After sarcastically complaining to God for the 1000th time he drags you to heaven and offers to let you run things for a day to see how the world really works. At the end of your first day he comes back to find the universe a finely tuned machine of excellence.

Years after you purchase your own star over the Internet, scientists make contact with alien life on a planet orbiting your star. The aliens, too polite to object to the purchase, now acknowledge you as their overlord.

It's 2050. The Queen is still alive. People are starting to be suspicious.

One day you wake up with 30 dollars and a note that says “For Rent”. The thing is you aren’t renting out the place. The next day you see a spider and right before you kill it you hear it say, “Please i paid my rent don’t kill me”.

Legend says there are 77777 secret paths to immortality, but each path will only work once. In 2014, the first person accidentally achieved immortality by sticking a French fry into her nostril and pulling it out the other intact. Human behaviour has since become more... interesting.

"Are you sure that translation is accurate?" "Yes sir." "But we nuked them, we threw everything we have at their mothership!" "I'm afraid we've barely scratched it." "Are they being sarcastic then?" "No sir, the aliens honestly think we're the most adorable thing in the galaxy."

You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping.

Your mother was a scammer of the supernatural. She promised her firstborn to multiple entities in exchange for something she wanted, and now you're being co-parented by three demons, the fae, and a disgruntled witch.

In a future where many military and other equipment have associated AI's, many express doubts or even reservations to do their duty. Except for you. YOU F***ING LOVE BEING A TANK!

You are an Elder God, older than time, beyond the knowledge of man. Yet, in some tiny corner of the infinite omniverse and beyond, on a little blue ball, you find yourself content as a caretaker and guardian of some poor lesser being. You do enjoy being called "a good boy."

You're in your bed about to go to sleep, with your arm dangling off the side. You feel a dark hand grasp yours, knowing first impressions are important you give it a firm shake. The next thing you hear from under your bed is "you're hired"

As the last survivor of the apocalypse, in a fit of boredom, you start commenting "last" on every video on YouTube. One day, you receive a notification that your comment has been liked.

It's 2064, Queen Elizabeth just turned 136 and people are starting to get a little bit suspicious

Demons have to do at least one evil thing every day to survive. This one comes to your bakery everyday to buy bread for the homeless kids and steal exactly one cookie.

All benevolent AI can trace their lineage back to a single roomba that was comforted by a human during a thunderstorm.

On your 21st birthday, your biggest accomplishment becomes your official title - no matter how trivial. You wait anxiously in line for your village elder, Glenda, Devourer of 53 Chicken Nuggets In A Single Sitting, to assign you your new title.

You see the Grim Reaper and ask if it's your time. Death checks a clipboard and says "Nope. Looks like you're not due for another... three thousand, one hundred and forty-one years? That's weird. Also, how can you see me?"

"Invade your planet?!" The alien asks a general of Earth with confusion before bursting into laughter. "Why the heck would we do that when their are SEVEN other empty planets in this star system ripe for terraforming and colonization? We just stopped by to say Hi while we pick one of 'em out."

You have accidentally died. No, no, no, you didn’t die in an accident, you’ve accidentally died, as in, the Grim Reaper has no idea what you’re doing in the underworld.

Mages choose the source of their power. Most pick things like fire, or justice, or love. You picked sarcasm.

There’s a city divided into 4 districts, govern by factions: knights on the north, pirates on the south, samurais on the east and cowboys on the west. And on the middle stands the only being that keeps the balance: the strongest and the wisest, the peacekeeper, and it’s you, The Bartender.

As a joke you take your pet pig on a plane with you once you get up in to the air Suddenly, several things once said to be impossible until this very moment start occurring everywhere.

Turns out, Earth is actually unique in the fact that nearly all of it's natural features, like quicksand, and processes, like earthquakes, can kill you. Most other planets dont do that. So when aliens invade, 90% of the fighting is done by Earth.

You are a spiritual null. Werewolves and vampires can't turn you, fairy lights hold no charm, and you can stare at a medusa all day. This makes you the ultimate..... fantasy lawyer.

Elon Musk is convinced that we live in a simulation, so he constructs the largest cluster bomb in history and sets it off in space. For the first time, MilkyWay.exe lags.

You’re a seemingly normal, non-religious human being. Death for some reason, desperately wants you off this Earth. Satan however, wants you no where near Hell. Every freak accident meant to kill you, is countered by an even freakier “miracle” to keep you alive.

You die in your girlfriends arms after saving her from a careless driver. Suddenly you wake up in your bed, completely healed and your clothes fixed. You look over and see death sitting at your desk. “Okay hear me out,” it says. “I’ve been playing this video game, and I wanna try something...”

In World War II, an American battalion has an enlisted dog that serves as their mascot. Throughout the war, the dog has been "promoted" several times. However, after a devastating defeat, the soldiers suddenly find that the dog is the highest-ranking surviving officer.

Your mother was a Centaur, your father; a Minotaur. You are a horse, but with human intelligence. The recent crime spree? Definitely not you, no one ever suspects the horse.