Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

You are an ice dragon who has been asleep for thousands of years. You are awakened by a group of tiny humans who promise you an unfathomable amount of wealth. They call themselves "Microsoft" and ask that allow them to move a large number black boxes into the unnatural chill of your lair.

The four horsemen: Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death are the harbingers of the apocalypse, serving forth chaos and destruction on all humanity. The Bible forgot to mention the fifth horseman: Kyle, whom the other four can't seem to ditch.

You used to play a fantasy MMORPG that wasn't very popular, so you were able to take the simple name of 'Dave'. When you return to the game (now massively popular), you discover that there is now a Church of 'Dave'.

You gained immortality by absorbing thousands of souls. They have gotten used to it and act like Twitch chat watching a livestream of your life.

All the Gods that humans have worshipped are in the middle of a meeting, when suddenly the doors slam open. Two new entities enter, a helix fossil and a being made of spaghetti and meatballs.

One day, you jokingly look into your computer's webcam and tell the "NSA" to stop spying on you. Almost immediately, a message pops up on your screen saying: "Dude no way, we think you're fucking awesome."

To increase efficiency, God has uploaded the source code for Life, the universe and everything to GitHub. However, he forgot to set it as a private project and now people are auditing his code, filing bug reports and submitting patches. The kicker? Someone has been making mods.

Everyone has the Mega Man-like ability to steal another person's most valuable trait by defeating them in battle. You have the world's most valuable trait - incredible, inexplicable dumb luck - and you've won thousands of battle without even knowing you were fighting.

"I like adventurous guys," she says with stars in her eyes. Your date is the most beautiful woman you've ever met. In a panic, you buy last-minute plane tickets to a small Balkan country. Your plan - a short tour visit, overthrow the local government, and win her heart.

As a fan of Greek Mythology you've always wanted to climb Mount Olympus. Though you know you won't find much, a selfie at the top would be pretty neat. But when you arrive, you see a bunch of tents and an old man trying to heat some baked beans. "Stupid lightning never listens to me anymore!"

The ritual calls for 100 sacrifices, but reading carefully you realize it never specified they had to be human. Deciding to be a smartass, you got a petri dish full of bacteria and sacrificed that instead.

You sold your soul to the devil, but now that you're dead, Apple is suing the devil for the soul they own as part of their terms of service.

Heaven and Hell do exist after death but you can choose in which you go. You jokingly choose Hell and when you arrive there, you hear Satan saying: "Finally someone! A friend!"

A creature that eats emotions met you, and was horrified when it tasted your chronic depression. Today marks its 24th attempt to cure you with seasoning.

One night, something grabs your hand as it hangs off the edge of the bed. You give it a firm handshake. "You're hired," it whispers.

Every year, the richest person in America is declared the "Winner of Capitalism." They get a badge. Then all of their wealth is donated to charity and they have to start over at $0.

On one hand, you're average at everything. On the other hand, you're average at EVERYTHING.

The Robot Apocalypse came. Cities are empty, you stayed since you're almost out of insulin and will die soon anyway. The robots find you and while processing you one of them sees your insulin pump and asks if you want to apply for dual citizenship, since the pump technically makes you a cyborg.

You are an NPC. One day, you see the player character do some weird steps and duplicate his items. You decide to try it for yourself.

There are 10 legendary dentists who review every toothpaste. You are the 10th, the denier, the rejector of every 10/10. You are being hunted by the other 9 for your denial.

It worked! You travelled back in time to Renaissance Age. Jokingly, you turn on your Wi-Fi, only to find a password protected network named "iɔniV ɒᗡ"

Nine out of ten dentists recommend a certain brand of toothpaste. You're the one dentist and, despite constant assassination attempts, refuse to change your mind.

A priest returns home after a successful exorcism. His demon daughter is waiting for him there, angry that he removed her from someone’s body again.

Aliens have been watching humanity for thousands of years, waiting in anticipation for us to prove ourselves worthy. Today, they came down to Earth. "Congratulations, you saw your first black hole. Welcome to Kindergarten."

You're the god of dinosaurs, and you've just woken up from a 65 million year nap to find out the puny god of mammals has been busy while you weren't looking.

At once, and everywhere, each living person has heard a voice in their head: "Hey! It's me, God. I've noticed there's a lot of confusion, so I've created a website called 'Will I go to hell and why dot com'. Just write your name in the search bar. And don't forget to share, like and subscribe."

You've just finished your latest invention: A Universal Translator. While testing it, you accidentally input some human genome and, to your surprise, it begins to work. As it processes you can make out the first few words: "Quality assured by inspector #12."

You have died and gone to Hell. Strangely it isn't as bad as you thought, maybe it is even nice. Turns out the Devil is super lazy and doesn't actually torture the damned. But you, being the compulsive organizer you are, have decide to change that.

As an atheist, you are shocked to realize that there is an after life after death. Standing in front of countless heavenly gates, you are swarmed by representatives of each faith, all trying to convince you to choose their happily ever after package.

Most young mages use incredibly complex spells and extremely rare ingredients to summon their familiar. You just drew a circle and threw a bag of chips in it.