Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

Realizing Shakira's hips are speaking in Morse Code, you begin to pray that they can lie.

One evening, a portal to hell opens at the foot of your bed. A demon strides through, rips off your covers, and begins to drag you through the portal by your ankles saying “You’re going to help me settle a bet.”

Dragons reenter the modern world and soon defeat the military. The dragons can only be harmed in melee combat with a knight, so a talent agent gathers an army of celebrities who have been knighted - Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Mick Jagger, Sean Connery, Elton John, Daniel Day-Lewis, etc.

To get past the Sphinx, you must answer its riddles. The riddles are things like "How do I set up my router" and "What's the WiFi password", and it's becoming increasingly clear he's using you for tech support.

The main character's superpower is the ability to speak to the narrator. Unfortunately, the traditionalist narrator is not willing to put up with such a radical plot and will do anything in his power to tell a "normal" story.

You, a wizard, have accidentally misread some cursive writing and summoned a lemon instead of the intended demon. Turns out, your new companion is a lot more powerful than you thought.

Humans are the only species in the universe with pets. As humanity enters the ranks of the Galactic Empire humanity soon is known as "The Beastmasters", taming even the worst nightmares of alien bedtime stories.

You look at a falling star and make a wish: "I wish for a million more wishes" You say smugly, a milion more 'falling stars' appear in the night sky and suddenly you realize you've just inadvertedly caused the apocalypse

Your boss discovered that you are a demon. Now you can no longer skip work because he could just draw a pentagram in blood and summon your ass to the office, then bind it to the desk for the next 10 hours. It was truly Hell.

The new guy in your office is nice enough, but you don't know why nobody else can see that he's literally just a group of otters in a trenchcoat.

Aliens invade earth, they are so far in technology we had no means of fighting back until we made a critical discovery, since they are so advanced they lack in interpersonal skills which makes them incredibly vulnerable to grade school level psychological attacks. those poopy heads are screwed

In your lifetime, stories of ordinary people being reborn or transported into fantastical worlds of magic and heroes were popular... not that you knew this, being a dog. Then you got hit by a Truck, and now you're a Dragon that just wishes belly rubs were as easy to get as they used to be.

You have just been abducted by an alien race, only to discover that they only kidnapped you because they needed someone outside of their hive mind to be the dungeon master for their game of D&D.

You’re a fresh zombie. It’s not like you expected. For one thing, you feel great. Secondly, while you can’t talk, you’re telepathically communicating with the others and they’re all REALLY cool. Thirdly, you all feel a deep and profound sense of joy—a joy you all want to share with the living.

Because of their immortality, vampires pick up really strange hobbies. You've met a vampire that's been making a stop-motion movie using bonsai trees since the 70's, and another that's been helping a now massive lobster out of its shell for the past 850 years.

The galactic council refuses to acknowledge humanity, because galactic edict recognises the first species from each planet to go to space as its representative: they insist on only dealing with dogs

A vampire may only enter a building if he's invited in. Knowing this, vampire hunter Van Housing developed a suit of armor that is shaped like a house on which he can curl like a hermit crab and become immune to attacks. It's ridiculous...but it works.

Sisyphus has finally had enough. He lifts the boulder over his shoulders and hucks it effortlessly down the mountainside, before setting off in search of Zeus. After all, he’s been building muscle all these millennia, and it’s about time for a rematch.

You're an actor famous for playing a god on stage. That god is now at your front door asking if you could cover for them while they go on holiday.

You've finally done it. You've proven the existence of magic; discovered how an ordinary human cast spells to control that immense arcane power. There's just one problem making you hesitate about publishing your findings: spellcasting looks so very... STUPID...

“Then the 92nd little pig built a house out of depleted uranium. And the wolf was like ‘dude’.”

You were weirded out by your coworker’s rambling about XP farms and things like that at first but they have been unusually helpful in your group for surviving the zombie apocalypse so far.

Interstellar Travel is significantly easier and Humanity simply missed that step in development, so after an alien armada invades modern day earth the humans are shocked to find them bearing muskets and cannons, and flying wooden ships

"Soldier, how the hell did you manage to take 9,999 captives?" "No idea, sir. They all just surrendered after I killed the first guy."

"Attention Employees: Management at Grocery-Love will no longer be accepting 'rivers of lava', 'hordes of demons', or 'confronted by a Horseman' as a late excuse. We're all living through the apocalypse and have to think of the team first."

Heaven is separated based on cause of death. All of those who suffered heart attacks are together, all hippopotamus attacks together, drowning, etc. You die and appear in a nearly empty room. An old-looking man looks up at you, and says, "Finally, someone else! It's been ages!"

The Captain is from a species that hordes things that bring them any form of joy or emotional stability. The crew is certain that her "horde" is the four Human engineers onboard whom she affectionately refers to as her "Little Murder Monkeys".

You've noticed that unlike the rest of your companions, the elves you're travelling with have never excused themselves to answer nature's call, even though they eat and drink just as often as you do. When you work up the courage to ask the elves about this, their explanation astounds you.

It turns out that humans are the only galactic species able to safely handle drugs. Other species have such a low tolerance that a small cup of coffe basically works like a crystal meth. You are one such oblivious, very curious alien that got his hands on an ACTUAL crystal meth.

Among other things, you can hover 8 inches above the ground, fire a single bullet out of your hand per day, un-chew gum, sense the exact location of every sneeze within a building, and breath fire for 19 seconds every Saturday the 19th. You’re a hero with many, many mildly-useful powers.