Absurdist Humor Writing Prompts

As an ancient god, you are at the end of your life as your name slips from the memories of your people. You expect death to be peaceful but you keep popping in and out of existence as some of your people suddenly remember your name and then forget it again. It's starting to get annoying.

Humans finally broke physics by travelling faster than light in an experimental spaceship. 8 alien civilizations visited earth to issue a speeding ticket and 3 more sent strongly worded letters about safety in their school zones.

You are a wolf who was bitten by a werewolf. Every full moon your hair recedes, your teeth dull, and you are left cold and naked on a hillside. You’ve also met a lovely park ranger named Christine.

You put on a foil hat as a joke and for the first time your thoughts are clear and your mind is a well oiled machine. Every plot and machination is clearly laid out before you Beautiful Mind-like. Overwhelmed you aggressively grab passerbys and shout the truths.

You've accidentally summoned an ancient, long-forgotten god while trying to pronounce furniture names at IKEA. Fortunately, the employees are prepared as this has happened before.

The reason earth never made alien contact is because earth is in a natural reservation inside a non transit area inside a neutral zone between two warring empires in a relatively boring part of the galaxy.

NASA employee: oh hey you guys are back early. Astronaut: Moon's haunted. NASA employee: what? Astronaut: *loads pistol and gets back on rocketship* Moon's haunted.

You're walking to work, then suddenly a person in a white suit appears and says "Uh yeah I've accidentally permanently stopped time and it'll take me 2 months to fix it, but somehow you're not frozen in time. But hey, whatever object you touch should still work, so uh good luck and have fun."

You've just discovered the reason behind aliens abducting humans. Turns out they were after impartial jurors for the intergalactic court.

Pets are intelligent. Religious dogs worship humans as gods, while cats see us as a natural resource. You see your dog chasing away stray cats pestering you for food, not realizing he is a knight from the Order of Saint Good Boy protecting you from harvesters from the Cats Corporate Dominion.

A group of men burst into your house dressed in what looks like Viking armour. In gruff voices, they inform you they are here to serve your dog who they believe is the reincarnation of Fenrir. Your dog is a four pound Chihuahua called Mr Wiggles.

You die with your cell phone in your hands, and the afterlife customs agents miss it when letting you in. You find that it still works, and you can connect to the internet and contact people in the living world.

A rare herb that grows once a millenium is said to grant immortality. You aren't sure about that but you do know that herb is very tasty, and you don't know why everyone keeps trying to raid your garden once every thousand years

In the late 2040s, a supernova killed humanity so suddenly that Death simply gave up on processing them all. Centuries later, aliens are extremely weirded out when they contact an entire starfaring society entirely comprised of ghosts.

You thought creating a universe would be easy. But as these pesky humans kept trying to discover the rules of their reality, you're forced to programme in more and more ridiculous mechanics like "relativity" and "quantum mechanics", hoping humans never found out that they live in a simulation.

In a drunken stupor last night you sat down next to a homeless man and told him all the ways you'd like to change: eat better, stop smoking, treat people nicer, etc. The next morning an old man wakes you up with a big smile telling what a great dog you are.

You are a superhero. Your power? ... You don’t know. One day people just started considering you a superhero and sending you to deal with the super villains of the world, who promptly surrender when they encounter you.

You turn your Match Distance on tinder to "Anywhere". To your surprise you get a match that is 10^93 light years away. Thinking it was a joke you turn it off. 20 minutes later you turn it back on and it says they are 10^5 light years away and getting closer.

Jesus has come down from the heavens, but is actually just a chill guy. He is sitting and talking to fans in your city but when you walk to see the savior his relaxed expression fades and is replaced with smugness and at the same time anger. He looks at you and calmly goes, “Ah, the Antichrist”

In a world where everyone has at least one minor superpower, you were thought to be powerless... until you nearly died. It seems that you have plot armor, no matter how ridiculous the situation, you survive unscathed due to an even more ridiculous coincidence.

After an apocalypse, Death is desperately trying to help the last group of survivors so he doesn't lose his job.

You’re a college professor, and grades for the semester were just posted. One disgruntled failing student comes to you with an archaic copy of the school’s bylaws-and a pair of weapons. They’re invoking a rule from the university’s founding allowing them to pass through trial by combat.

Being the grim reaper is pretty lonely, you only ever meet people once to escort them to the other side and most don’t want to talk. Except this one soul, who every week without fail shows up ready to make the journey. How he gets back I have no idea, but it’s nice to see a familiar face.

"Apologies, human. Unfortunately, you were accidentally killed by a glactic federation officer during an altercation on your planet. Currently we are constructing you a replacement body, and in return for your ensured silence on our existence, I wanted to ask if you wanted anything... changed."

At 09:05 this morning you left for a normal day of work at the office. It is now 15:26, your shotgun has four rounds left, the llama is throwing up, there's police everywhere, someone's punching a nun, and you desperately need to find the seven of clubs. Today has been a weird day.

The rules of who goes to heaven and hell are clear, definite, and inarguable. You are an afterlife lawyer, who helps people figure out if their potentially sinful plans are technically allowed by the rules.

Day 1: Aliens invade. Day 3: Aliens discover 'Worker's Unions'. Day 7: Aliens tell their Royal Leaders that they won't continue the invasion without proper contracts and wages.

You are a Norse god of alcohol. A man challenges you, claiming he can go shot-for-shot with you until you pass out. He calls himself... ‘The Machine’

"So let me get this straight" The former UFC fighter looked at the doctor in the eye. "You want to put me in a medically induced coma so my ghost can beat the shit out of the ghost that's haunting the psych ward of the hospital? "Uhh... If you want to put it like that, sure."

"I have helped you with your endeavor, now I claim your soul" the demon says. "Thank you but no. I don't know how it works in hell but here on earth, a contract signed by a minor is not legally binding. I'm 17 and keeping my soul" you respond.